A Black and White Crimbo
Before the next Crimbo season dawned, a few ominous events occurred that foreshadowed yet another brou-ha-ha was brew-ha-ha-ing in the Kingdom. The Penguin Mafia closed their raffle house, saying only that they had entered into a new business arrangement that precluded raffles sales. Workpenguins at the Grim Grimacite Site confirmed that there was a new arrangement, but said that further inquiry on the matter would be... unwise. The nature of the agreement remained shrouded in mystery, as did the mysterious appearance of mutated monsters in the desert. Those monsters mysteriously vanished right when the penguins opened the raffle house again, mysteriously, this time offering miniature versions of the mutated monsters as raffle prizes. At the Grimacite Site, the workpenguins mysteriously mentioned an "old bearded lunatic." It was all very -- oh, what's the word, you know, when there's a mystery?

As the Crimbo season began, Uncle Crimbo left each adventurer an advent calendar that contained irradiated treats mutated and malformed by Grimacite radiation. That being the case, it surprised very few when a mutated, irradiated Crimbo Town emerged from the mists. Adventurers were greeted with the sad sight of mutated, twisted Crimbo trees, a blackened Crimbo Cafe, and a giant cooling tower in the middle of the town. Uncle Crimbo's mobile home was replaced by a locked fallout shelter, and in addition to the old toy factory, a new, state-of-the-art Grimacite-powered toy factory glowed faintly on the eastern side of town.

Fortunately for those who ventured into the mutated husk of Crimbo Town, an exposition elf stationed at the Grimacite factory explained what was going on. It turned out that Uncle Crimbo borrowed money from the Penguin Mafia to build a new, state-of-the art toy factory; however, being the incorrigible bastard that he was, Uncle Crimbo built the cheapest, shoddiest factory he could, neglecting to shield his workers from the radiation. Then he took the leftover meat and went off to play the ponies. The Penguin Mafia, sensing that their investment was in jeopardy, began looting the old toy factory for goodies from Crimbos past, while the elves in the new factory turned into hideous monstrosities.

Both the penguins and the elves asked for help defeating the other party, and adventurers once again had to make a choice: they could defeat penguins and then work to cure mutated elves by singing the ancient epic The Spirit of Crimbo, or they could bribe penguins and knock out mutant elves. Unlike the previous Crimbo, this choice appeared to have some narrative meaning to it, and adventurers soon were able to track the casualties, bribes, and cures as they piled up.

On Crimbo Day, far more penguins had been defeated than elves -- some claimed it was because the penguins had better loot, and that the fight was fixed, but no one paid them too much attention. As such, Uncle Crimbo admitted each adventurer into his fallout shelter, thanked them warmly for pulling his ass out of the fire again, and let them choose a present. The Penguin Mafia retreated, leaving only a small force behind for adventurers to continue to loot.

It was, in retrospect, a pretty lackluster ending to the holiday.

As fate would have it, though, not enough adventurers had the time or compassion to cure mutant elves during the Crimbo season, and the continued background Grimacite radiation fused all the remaining mutant elves into a single giant, multi-limbed, lurking monstrosity: The Crimbomination. It exploded through the roof of the Grimacite factory and scared the festive red-and-green crap out of Uncle Crimbo.

Uncle Crimbo, it seems, finally realized that relying on adventurers to clean up his messes wouldn't work this time, and he called Don Pygoscelis, the Godpenguin, and made the Don an offer that Uncle Crimbo seriously hoped the Don wouldn't refuse: if the penguins would take care of the Crimbomination, Uncle crimbo would hand over his magical Crimbo cap to the Don, effectively giving the Penguin Mafia total control of the holiday. The Don agreed, donned the hat, and became Don Crimbo. The Crimbo magic left Uncle Crimbo, turning him into Uncle Hobo. Uncle Hobo rolled his belongings into a bindle and set off into the Kingdom, while Don Crimbo's goons went to work on the Crimbomination. They were aided by adventurers reciting the Spirit of Crimbo, which seemed to weaken the beast, if not defeat it utterly.

As Crimbo Town belatedly faded into the mists, the Crimbomination vanished and was replaced with a large, mysterious crate. Okay, so the crate wasn't that mysterious -- I mean, it was just made out of wood and nails, like any other crate. But it was enormous, and was visibly shaking as if some giant, mutated monstrosity was barely contained within it. Those who inquired as to the fate of the Crimbomination and the contents of the crate were told that a) all those recitations of the Spirit of Crimbo worked and the Crimbomination had turned into a normal elf, and b) I wouldn't ask about it, if I were you and I liked having kneecaps. On behalf of Don Crimbo, the penguin goons thanked the adventurers for their help, and promised that next Crimbo would be an orderly, festive, and completely legitimate business proposition.

Part I : The Story Thus Far
Part II : The Elfretariat
Part III : The Halloween Incident
Part IV : Crimboween
Part V : Where in Time is Uncle Crimbo?
Part VI : Once You Go Blackstory, You Never Go Backstory
Part VII : A Polyhedral Harbinger
Part VIII : Rise of the Crimborg
Part VIIII : A Black and White Crimbo
Part X : One More Indecent Accident
Part XI : Of CRIMBCO and Hobos
Part XII : I Want Candy
Part XIII : Dreaming of a KAWAIIII Crimbo
Part XIV : Cyborg Bears? Sure Why Not
Part XV : Factory Complexities
Part XVI : A Tale of Two Things That Happened

documentation home